Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday

Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog

Him: the what?

Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???

“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”

“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”

*David hangs up*

Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.

[my deathbed]

Kid: Mom where are my shoes?

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap

✨☝️✨

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….

What a kind woman! 😂😂

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

are americans worse off?

in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones