Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
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Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
The Assassin.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]