Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
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me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I went from rags to one rag.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!