Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
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good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?