Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

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I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.


[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo


Cop: what the hell are you doing

Me: just holding this old lady’s hand while i cross the street sir

Cop: wh- where’s the rest of her


When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.


I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!


It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.


Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.


“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway


[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*


Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?