@myonlymizztake

Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

You Might Also Like

@lisaxy424

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

@TheHatStore

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

@rudy_mustang

Cop: what the hell are you doing

Me: just holding this old lady’s hand while i cross the street sir

Cop: wh- where’s the rest of her

@sad_tree

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

@Scdavis24

I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!

@JessObsess

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.

@JenAshleyWright

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

@PaperWash

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

@Tommytoughstuff

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

@johnroderick

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?