Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
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the rocks need my help
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Did my cat write this
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character