Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

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Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not


Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.


Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.

Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…


Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”


How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you saw me eating that cupcake with no hands and you want my autograph?


You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.