@myonlymizztake

Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

@AmishPornStar1

Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.

@djdarrellripley

Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.

Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…

@WildeThingy

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

@SCbchbum

How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet

@buhsbaby_baby

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you saw me eating that cupcake with no hands and you want my autograph?

@AaronNevins

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.