Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!

Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!

Like I’d ever share my wine with her.

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

*having an ultrasound*

dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..

patient: omg what!?

dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.

patient: intruder?

dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU

nurse: umm i think she is having twins?

dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it