Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

me: how much for the boquet of dogs

girl walking dogs: huh

me: *slipping her $5* how about now

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.

80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”

I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.

Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?

Me: yes, please! *opens purse*

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…

Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?