Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
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I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
(Electricians.)
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.