Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
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I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*