Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
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fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord