Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
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[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
starting a garage orchestra
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
me irl
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
