Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
You Might Also Like
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.