Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

Hearing those four little words always makes my day.

“Your order just shipped.”

I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen