Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
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this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.