Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?

This chloroform smells expensiv…

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

what is that job called where you put the little stickers on fruit i think i would be good at that

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,

you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne