Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
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Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
He just like my cat fr
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
This is I, Robot all over again
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.