Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
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There is no “ea” in Tim.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.