Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
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Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.