Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
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*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
it must be school picture day
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine鈥檚 Day card
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…馃槀馃ぃ馃槶馃拃馃拃
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one鈥檚 around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Me: I CAN鈥橳 BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I鈥橫 IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There鈥檚 no cute way to execute that. You鈥檙e now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.