Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.

Or something like that.

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”