sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
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Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I forgot how to panic. Help
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.