sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
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We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Left at a local drug store…
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.