Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.

If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)