Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week

Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!

Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.