Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

“Open your gift”

A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?

“You don’t like it?”

Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.

squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!

***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

Don’t make me out nice you.

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

🤣

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

The fall of Netflix

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that