[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
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me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?