Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”

my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical

me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

The only time I’ll care about Basketball:

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?