Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

ME: So what do you do?

DATE: I’m a chef in the army.

ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.

HER: *already in an Uber

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”

Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do

Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.

Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.

Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

Me driving through Toronto

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.