[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
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My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Good lord
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.