Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

Every work meeting this week

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

Follow me for more recipes

Me: what word would you use?

Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before

I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.

Have a lovely day 😊

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”

HIM: “This might sound weird…”

STYLIST: “Try me.”

HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”

STYLIST: “I got this.”

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad

Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree