Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?

[creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol

BEE: …

GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

I just stabbed a pin in my arm.

Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch