Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?

I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first

Venn

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*

JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.

God, I love Scotland

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

Sounds about right! 💯
🌐

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen