Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
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me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Every time.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
ready to be harvested