Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

Dr: Have you been exercising?

Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.