Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

*puts words between two asterisks*

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*

WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!

her: aww you’re a cat dad!!

me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings

her: oh-

me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds

her: i… um…

me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies

her: yay!!!

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now