Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
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High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.