Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
You Might Also Like
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…
Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?