Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
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shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case