Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

The elephant is my spirit animal.

1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.

Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).

Vampire: I can bite you…

Me: Sweet!

Vampire: … and give you eternal life!

Me: Stop threatening me!

I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?