Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it

A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…

My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

Always the barmaid, never the bar.