Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

Should I call tech support or pray or what

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby

ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

[tsunami approaches]

Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.

Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.

“dress for the job you want”

“ok!”

*shows up to work naked*

“what are you doing”

“i don’t want a job”

Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.