Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards

No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.

He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*

“No.”

We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.

Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t