@squirrel74wkgn

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

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@KattsDogma

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

@Matt_The_1st

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

@costaggini

no..
one…

cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston

@JoshontheGo

I’m at my most “penguin”, when I’m walking to get more toilet paper with my shorts around my ankles.

@HenpeckedHal

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

@Home_Halfway

Date: I’m sorry, I can’t see you anymore

Waldo: Oh sorry that always happens when I stand next to a barber pole

@RealChrisChirdo

“I won’t vaccinate my kids! It’s not healthy and full of dangerous preservatives!!!”

*gives kid a pop tart for breakfast*

@broken_rhi

Been starving for a man’s touch for months and I finally have a date tonight. How do I get out of it

@AdriannaLaCervx

I squish my belly fat around during serious conversations because I have intimacy issues.

@mjkspeaks

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic