[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
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I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.