If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
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I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I’m at my most “penguin”, when I’m walking to get more toilet paper with my shorts around my ankles.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Date: I’m sorry, I can’t see you anymore
Waldo: Oh sorry that always happens when I stand next to a barber pole
“I won’t vaccinate my kids! It’s not healthy and full of dangerous preservatives!!!”
*gives kid a pop tart for breakfast*
Been starving for a man’s touch for months and I finally have a date tonight. How do I get out of it
I squish my belly fat around during serious conversations because I have intimacy issues.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic