Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*

MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]

ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this

I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.

interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus

me: the big windshield wipers

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.