Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

The two types of wives

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon

I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.

As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.