Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”

Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale

Wife: I’m pissed!

Me: still or again?

Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time

Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat

MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.

Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month