Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

Wednesday

named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one