Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary

When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼‍♂️

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.

Did you breast feed him as a baby?

“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

God: check this out

Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do

God: I made parking cost $10

Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again