[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
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me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.