Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.

2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

Always remember –

If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.

Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake