Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.

What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.