Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
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I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.