Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.

me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]

robber: why are u wearing a glove

me: I meant to grab my bat lol

robber: lol

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things