Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

[at the running of the bulls]

ME: imma try to pet ’em

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?

*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*

Me: Yes.

Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.

Glasses

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

started wrapping my pills in cheese

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.