Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.

Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch

My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.

Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.

(later, shaving)

Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels

Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.