Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

How to woo a woman

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in

Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.

Fun Things

‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.