Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?

Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

ㅤ

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

what all these pyramids be scheming about?

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…

TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED

(Summer 2015)

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot