[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
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[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.