Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.

we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”

if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.