SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
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Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Never be a pizza!
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st