[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
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One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
☠️ ☠️
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Put this video in the Louvre
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.