Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
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Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Um … Hot Wings please
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance