Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
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People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit