Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.