Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”

me as soon as i see the dogs:

A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?

PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.