SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
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Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won