SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
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“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
God tier horse name today on the sims
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy