Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said: “That’s a…big step.”

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

You’re never alone. Theres mold

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.

la cocaina

There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.