“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
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I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
man i love columbo
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.