Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.

Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans

Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.

“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed

They’re not wrong

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.