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Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.