Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced

Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

*speed dating bell rings

Me: Why are you breaking up with me?

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’