‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
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sorry this might take a while…
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*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
jesus could get on twitter and be like “fear not, child. i know for a fact that your going to heaven!” and someone would be like “you’re”.
“I can’t feel my legs”
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Friend: How many calories does heartache burn?
Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.