sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…

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Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting


Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.


naming a dragon drogon is the most lazy thing I’ve ever heard lmao pls meet my dog, deg


Found out the name of my neighbor’s cat.

In other news, I now have free internet.


Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.


I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.


Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.


Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.


At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?


[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops