@stuckinaportal

sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…

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@ArfMeasures

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

@BoomBoomBetty

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

@hattiesoykan

naming a dragon drogon is the most lazy thing I’ve ever heard lmao pls meet my dog, deg

@Roxtalled

Found out the name of my neighbor’s cat.

In other news, I now have free internet.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

@BatBatshitcrazy

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

@copymama

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

@UnFitz

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

@UnFitz

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

@2Saddington

[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops