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Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.