@stuckinaportal

sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…

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@sofarrsogud

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

@TheDreamGhoul

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

@therealelp

jesus could get on twitter and be like “fear not, child. i know for a fact that your going to heaven!” and someone would be like “you’re”.

@sarcasticmommy4

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

@shawnspree

Friend: How many calories does heartache burn?

Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.