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sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
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9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I saw nothing
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.