SF is the wild wild west man
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My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
seriously you guys
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.