SF is the wild wild west man
You Might Also Like
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business